Letting Go

[October 5, 2019 | 11:42 PM | an internal monologue]

“How long can you cry before your body runs out of tears? Surely I must be close.

Should I text her and tell her when he says he wants a peanut butter and jelly sandwich really he means peanut butter and honey?

He also says he wants hamburgers when really he means cheeseburgers.

I should have put this in the binder. She probably won’t even read the binder… maybe she will.

On Monday, I should ask someone on the foster page if they know of any Pre-k openings in the area. He really needs to go to Pre-K. Maybe if I just find one for her…

No. I don’t want to annoy her. Besides, I already texted her and asked how their night went and she said it went great.

I wonder why it went great, since he’s thrown a fit for us every single night for the past 2 weeks. Maybe he’s just excited. Or really tired – he didn’t sleep much last night. Or nap today.

Maybe he just won’t throw fits with them because these are his people (…and we never were).

I hope I don’t cry at breakfast tomorrow. I hope he doesn’t.

What if he thinks he’s coming back with us and cries when he has to stay?

What if he sees us and thinks we are taking him back but cries because he wants to stay with them? That will hurt even worse, I think.

God, I hope they get him into Pre-k.

I really should sleep.

If I could just. stop. crying.”

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