Saying No

The day before Thanksgiving, my husband and I were officially approved to be foster parents.

I immediately went into a frenzy, since it was now “real” and made a list (because that’s what I do for everything) of all the things we needed to do before a kiddo showed up at our door. This included making a spreadsheet of every daycare within 2 miles of our house and a list of questions to ask the placement officer (probably the wrong title…whatever, I’m still learning).

Our Foster Family Support Specialist also called to give me some pointers about receiving our first call. She cautioned “this is your first placement and it’s easy to get emotional so stick to your guns. If you don’t think you can handle a child, there are people and resources out there who can, so don’t be afraid to say no.”

Hah! Have you met moi?! I am very good at saying no. I am the oldest child. I am bossy and stubborn and hard headed and saying no wouldn’t be a problem for me. But thank you v much.

About 3 hours after this call (and one hour BEFORE I completed my list of questions to ask the placement officer), my phone rang. It was 2 pm and my office was just shutting down to for the Thanksgiving holiday.

The First Placement Call

The conversation went something like this:

Placement Officer: Hi! This is [NAME] with the placement office! I understand you just got approved to be foster parents?!

Me: yessss…like 3 hours ago…

Placement officer: Well I just wanted to call and say thank you and congrats..

Me (thinking): whew, just calling to say thanks…thank GOD because i don’t even have my list of questio…

Placement officer: I also wanted to let you know this is your first OFFICIAL placement call! Are you able to take a 4 year old (not potty trained) and an 8 year old boy tonight?

Me: ummm can I call you right back?

My mind went completely blank. I literally forgot every single question I’d talked about asking with the Support Specialist. I called my husband.

Me: HiThomasThePlacementOfficeJustCalledAndTheyNeedAHomeForaFourYearOldAndAnEightYearOld…

Thomas: you said no right?

Me: well, no…I said I’d call them back.

Thomas: you set up a NURSERY. For ONE kid…you better call them back and say no.

So I did. And I said no. Which should have been easy because we had a plan (one kid, 0-5) and I am good at saying no. But it wasn’t.

Saying No to A Placement Call

It was the night before Thanksgiving. And I went home and made pumpkin pie and thought about those two boys and wondered what happened to them (which I would have known had I made my list of questions)? And were they scared? And were they going to have horrible Thanksgivings for the rest of their lives thinking about THIS Thanksgiving? And was I an awful person for saying no because technically we could have put the 8 year old in the guest room? And was this how I was going to feel every time I got a call and said no, or would it get easier?

Yesterday, I got a text from another placement officer, who asked if we could take a 17 year old boy. I texted her back and said no. It was easier, probably because I didn’t have images of crying kids in my head. But afterwards I thought about that too, and how there’s so many teenagers up for adoption because everyone says no to them. But you know what? Whether they are 8 or 18, I bet they still cry when they’re scared and have nowhere to go on Thanksgiving.

7 thoughts on “Saying No”

  1. I’m not crying at work… You are 😭 ughhh that sounds so hard but also amazing. The right kid will come along and if you take the other kids you won’t have room for them 🤷

  2. Two sides to this coin.
    It must be good for the children. It must be good for the foster parents because if it isn’t good for the foster parents, it won’t be good for the children/ children.

    And with your list in your hand visible you can now ask the questions you need to ask to look after both parties.

    Best to you all.

  3. Im so proud of ypu. That is a hard thing to do, but its the right chouce for your family. When the right fit comes along, all of these “no’s” will come into focus and make more sense. Praying for your “yes”. Xoxo

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