I’ve had a lot of time to process almost every negative emotion: sadness, anger, depression, rage, frustration, fuck-it-maybe-my-dad-was-right (does that count as an emotion?).
But mostly I’ve had this overwhelming feeling of “what’s next?”
Right now, it’s not another competition.
I’ve done the triathlon thing, long distance running, soccer, swimming, even adult league kickball. And while they all have their merits, I don’t get the same feeling of excitement and passion as I do when I lift.
So the bottom line is – I don’t have a competition plan. And it stresses me out because I have plans, and then I have backup plans and then I have backup plans for those plans.
I’m torn between “holy shit, I wish I had three more months” and “holy shit, I cannot wait to eat something besides chicken, fish and spinach“.
I can definitely feel the effects of eating low carb during this NPC Bikini prep. Long term, this is not a sustainable diet for me. My energy levels are rock bottom.
The plus side is that I give zero f***s about 90% of the things going on around me, which is probably the first time in my life.
You want to cut me off during my morning commute? Don’t care.
You want to show up 10 minutes late to a meeting you called with no prepared agenda? Whatever.
Basically all of my energy is spent standing upright, so I have nothing left for any bullshit. I feel like I’m living in someone else’s body. Not only because my body doesn’t LOOK like my body, but also because normally I am SUPER passionate about basically every little thing there is to be passionate about. This includes (but is not limited to) a proper way to put spoons in the dishwasher. However, with this mood altering low carb diet, it’s like I get to try out being someone else.
I bet my blood pressure levels are great right now.
.Except when I remember I’ll be on stage in 7 days. Then a lightening bolt of fear strikes through my body. The hairs on my arm stand up and I think “probably should have gotten laser hair removal there too”.
But since I don’t have the energy to care, I don’t.